Azu Teen Humor Force
by Hwikek
Summary: A special team has been constructed to battle teenage depression.  Composed of people who have not been teenagers in almost ten years, it will undoubtably get attention.  There is however a small concern that they will simply, goof off till they're fired.
1. Trollz

"What are you doing?" asked Tomo.

"What?"

"I said what are you doing?" asked Tomo.

"Just checking my E-mail," said Sakaki.

"Well get off of the computer," said Tomo.

"Do you want to use it?"

"No," said Tomo, "I most certainly do not want to use the computer, and I will prove it. Now I want you to leave the room. When you come back, not only will the computer be off, it will also be suspiciously warm."

"Just what do you want the computer for?" asked Sakaki.

"I want to look at my Facebook profile," said Tomo, "So get off of the computer before I go over there and kick your ass." Sakaki raised an eyebrow at the hyperactive woman in front of her. "I'll do it," said super hyper, "You know I will."

"Just calm down, okay?" asked Sakaki.

Tomo stood next to Sakaki, tapping her fingers on the woman's head. Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

The woman sighed before leaving the room.

"Oh thank god," said Tomo as Sakaki slammed the door behind her, "I thought she would never leave. Now where was I?" _Hmm, who posted this comment on…the inferiority of women? I'll show this bastard!_

Sakaki walked back into the room with a soda in her hand.

"What are you doing?"

"Teaching this chauvinistic bastard on Facebook a lesson," said Tomo.

"Wait a minute," said Sakaki, "That profile says ARaZHi79."

"So what?" asked "the wildcat", "The point is that I am going to tell him how far he needs to shove his head, up his ass. Hey I know, I'll end it with 'Teaching your stupid ass a lesson, free of charge.'"

"Well just don't send it because—"

"And send." Tomo looked over her shoulder at Sakaki, "I know words were coming out of your mouth, but they sounded too much like ass for me to hear them."

"Look, you just sent a message to someone who was trying too—"

"What's that?" asked Tomo, "Is there a rogue ass making noises in the house?"

"What I'm trying to tell you," said Sakaki, "Is that the individual that you just sent that message to is a—"

"Will you shut up?" asked Tomo, "Nobody cares about whatever nonsense is coming out of your mouth. Now either shut up, or I will make you shut up."

"What?"

"Oh I will," said Tomo, "Just not write now."

"Why not? You were the one who wanted me to shut up so bad—"

"Look I know that it _sounded_ like I said 'right', but I actually said 'write'."

"And why would you do that?" asked Sakaki.

"I don't fucking know," said Tomo, "Now shut up, the person has sent me a reply."

"That's what I've been trying to warn you about," said Sakaki, "What sent that message was a tr—"

"What the hell do you mean I fell for it?" Tomo yelled at the computer monitor, "This person is really starting to piss me off." Another message appeared on the computer screen, _LMAO n00b_. The "wildcat idiot" threw the monitor onto the ground.

"Why did you do that?" asked Sakaki, "I'm the one who has to pay for those!"

"Look, I know it seemed extreme," said Tomo, "But it wasn't. You would have done the exact same thing if you had been in my position."

"No I wouldn't have," said Sakaki, "because I wouldn't have sent the damn message to the troll."

"What's a troll?" asked Tomo.

"Let me tell you the ancient history," said Sakaki, "of the trolls."

"You mean like the one from the Harry Potter movie, you know the one that came out in 2001?"

"No," said Sakaki, "These trolls are different."

"Oh," said Tomo, "because it was a good movie."

"It was the best Harry Potter movie," said Sakaki, "or at least I think it is. I haven't seen the others."

"You wanna see them later today?" asked Tomo, "Maybe pick up some beers at 7 Eleven on the way back from the video store?"

"Yeah maybe," said Sakaki, "But what we need to do right now is understand the trolls better. Now listen to this story.

"Long ago in Scandinavia people used to catch small fish called herring. One day, when they went out to catch more of the small oceanic fish to keep from starving to death during the winter, they ran into little tiny monsters. These fiendish creatures attacked the Scandinavians not with their fangs or claws, but with their words.

"The comments they made about their hair and skin pigmentation were so hurtful, that it caused the Scandinavians to run home crying. While they sobbed by their tables, the little monsters roamed about. They liked nothing more than saying mean things about people, especially those who had low self esteem and were emotionally unstable.

"The massive suicide rates eventually caused the Scandinavians to look for the powerful wizard, Meshuggener. Using his magical powers, Meshuggener banished the monsters to a dimension that was never to be entered. Meshuggener called the monsters trolls."

"How the hell does that help me?" asked Tomo.

"I was getting to that," said an irritatated Sakaki, "So will you please wait two seconds for me to finish the story?"

"Look I don't have time for this," said Tomo, "I have a meeting in an hour with—"

"Then in the late 1950s," Sakaki interrupted, "the United States needed a weapon to defeat the Russians. They had spent years trying to develop death rays and atomic weapon shields, but none of those projects had proven successful. Then one man discovered the ancient story of the trolls.

"He then attempted to open a portal to the dimension that Meshuggener threw the awful monsters into. His project was given a large amount of funding and top clearence. It went under the cover of being a networking project, but it was really an attempt to interact with other dimensions."

"Yeah this sounds like a bunch of crap," said Tomo, "How much longer do you think I'll sit here and listen to this?"

"Then why are you eating popcorn while I'm telling the story?" asked Sakaki.

"Fine," Tomo rolled her eyes, "Continue."

"Initially they were unable to interact with the other dimension."

"Big surprise there," said Tomo as she shoveled popcorn into her mouth, "The crackpot theory didn't work. I tell you you're filled with crap—"

"Moving on. After nearly ten years of no success, the United States Military gave the project to CERN. Then in 1991 on August 6th, Cern released the World Wide Web. Through that portal it was then possible to connect and communicate with the trolls, unfortunately no one could understand what they were saying, since they only spoke in a rare Scandinavian accent.

"Then Stephen Hawking, using advanced computer algorithms, and some old Norweigian lady, came up with a computer code that could translate their words into any language. It was too late to use this technology against the Soviet Union, but NATO had plans to launch these 'anti-morale' weapons at any future threat."

"So let me get this straight," said Tomo, "You're saying that some magic wizard banished some backwoods monsters to a dimension that must never be entered?"

"That's right."

"And that dimension is the Internet?"

"No, what I'm saying is that the Internet is a bridge between our dimension and theirs allowing us to communicate."

"You pulled this idea out your ass didn't you Sakaki?"

"I did not pull this idea, 'out of my ass.'"

"Whatever," said Tomo, "But now it's time for the Azu Teen Humor Force to assemble!"

"We're already here."

"No, we're not genius," said Tomo, "Osaka is missing!"

"She's right behind you, _genius_."

"High five Osaka," said Sakaki, "You told her what's what."

"I sure as hell did," said Osaka, "Now why are we just standing here when there are trolls terrorizing people across the Internet?"

"Yeah," said Tomo, "Sakaki, activate your powers."

"I don't have any powers."

"What the hell do you mean?" Tomo angrily spat, "How can you be a member of the Azu Teen Humor Force if you do not have special powers?"

"The reason I'm here is because it was the first damn job I found. I never expected that part of the requirements were to move to the United States and live on the East Coast."

"Then why are you here?" asked Tomo, "We're supposed to be solving mysteries and battling teenage depression. How are we supposed to do that without _you_ having special powers?"

"Well she's here because she's physically attractive," said Osaka, "If she goes out in a bathing suit, there won't _be_ any depressed teenage boys."

"What about the gay ones?" asked Tomo, "And I am not just saying this because I am very upset with you not saying that _I_ am the one that men crave."

"Everyone knows that you're just jealous," said Osaka, "You're a fool, and the gay boys will turn bi when they see her."

"I don't like where this is going," said Sakaki.

"Well too damn bad," said Tomo, "Maybe you should have thought about that _before_ you decided to be hotter than me, I mean _almost_ hotter than me."

"Hey Sakaki," said Osaka, "You wanna go watch TV?"

"Nah," said Sakaki, "Let's go to Best Buy and buy a DVD player and a sub woofer."

"Yeah!" said Osaka, "Then I can listen to my Lady Gaga and Marc Anthony songs and start dancing."

"Dancing is forbidden!" yelled Tomo, "Dancing has always been forbidden!"

"Aw fuck off," said Osaka, "I love dancing. Here listen to this."

_Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read 'em my poker face..._

_She's got to love nobody._

"Why are you two dancing?" asked Tomo.

"I like this song," said Sakaki.

"Well maybe you'll like my foot up your ass!"

"Maybe you'll like cooking your own damn dinner tonight!" yelled Sakaki.

"Okay," said Tomo, "I will forgive the dancing, as long as you make something that I can keep down."

"Let's just order pizza," said Osaka, "I hate doing the dishes."

"Yeah, that's fine with me," said Tomo.

"But who's going to pay for it?" asked Sakaki.

"Why don't you get your troll friends to pay for it?" asked Tomo.

"They don't have any money," said Sakaki, "How are tiny monsters that were banished to another dimension going to have American dollars?"

"You're the science person," said Tomo, "You figure it out."

"Fine," said Sakaki, "I guess I'll just have to pay for it myself."

Osaka watched as Sakaki left the computer room, slamming the door behind her. "Hell yeah," said Osaka, "I hate paying for things."

"As do I," said Tomo, she picked up a baseball bat. "And I also hate listening to crappy music!" The obnoxious woman then proceeded to smash the stereo set into tiny plastic pieces.

"Hey!" yelled Osaka, "My _The Fame_ album was in there!"

"I know," said Tomo as she threw the bat against the wall, "That's why I destroyed the boombox."

"But that was your boombox," said Osaka.

"Aw crap."


	2. Sata Andagi

"Azu Ten Humor Force, assemble!"

"We're the Azu _Teens_ not the Azu _Tens_."

"I don't care if we're the hoes from the crack house down the street," said Tomo, "We must have an important meeting to discuss who is allowed on the computer."

"Why are you the leader?" asked Osaka, "You're the stupidest person here."

"I am not the stupidest one, because you are a retard," said Tomo.

"No you're thinking of that kid we helped last week," said Osaka.

"I don't need your opinion bitch," said Tomo, "I can realize that I made a mistake on my own."

"You're not the leader," said Sakaki, "The leader needs special super powers, otherwise we won't be able to fight crime."

"We'll I don't have special powers and Osaka doesn't have special powers," said Tomo, "You don't have special powers, so who the fuck has special powers?"

"And why do you two keep calling me Osaka? I keep telling you that my name is Ayumu Kasuga."

"Shut up already," said Tomo, "No one is going to remember such a long name, which is why the note on the front door said to call you Osaka."

"But that's some damn town that I've never been to," said Ayumu, "In Japan."

"Look, we all know that Osaka is some city in Japan," said Tomo, "You think I don't know that? I grew up in Japan, I know that there are cities there."

"That's what I don't get," said Sakaki, "Why are three Japanese people who had never previously met all living in the same house?"

"Will you stop wasting my time?" asked Tomo, "I am trying to find the remote, to the speakers."

"When we turn the speakers on I can play this Marc Anthony CD," said Osaka.

"Why do you continue to bring music into this?" asked Tomo.

"Music brings joy and happiness to the world," said Osaka, "all songs are filled with kindness and love and—"

_Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor!_

"Except for that genre," said Osaka.

"You see this is real music," said Tomo, "Songs about…what are these songs about?"

"Will someone turn that damn music down?" asked Sakaki, "My ears are starting to bleed."

"Yeah sure," said Tomo, who turned the speakers up to maximum. "Psyche! Who's the stupid one now bitch?"

Osaka took the CD out of the boombox. She then placed her Marc Anthony CD inside. Latin tunes began to play as Tomo's face seemed to die with despair.

_Girl I see that you're lookin' at me. And I must say you're lookin' sexy._

_So sexy!_

_But the truth is my baby has been good to me._

_Been good to me yeah!_

_Girl the way that you move's so tempting!_

_Oh!_

_Gotta say that I like what I see. But the truth is my baby has been good to me! Friday I can saw you lookin' my way. I know that you've been wantin' me I can see it in the way you've been tauntin' me. Oh your eyes, make it hard for me to walk away. When the truth is I wanna stay. But I gotta say that, girl there's just no way..._

_Girl I see how you're lookin' at me._

_I see how you look!_

_And I must say you're lookin' sexy._

_So sexy!_

_But the truth is my baby has been good to me._

_Been good to me..._

The "wildcat" looked at the two dancers. She hated dancing with a passion. What made her even angrier was the fact that the other two Azu Teens were dancing better than she could.

"Turn off that damn music," said Tomo.

"But even you like this song," said Sakaki, "Plus it's simply awesome."

"I don't care," said Tomo, she picked up a baseball bat.

"Oh hell no," said Sakaki, "You are not going to destroy yet another boombox!"

"I work at Best Buy," said Tomo, "I'm merely helping my company."

"You have two jobs?" asked Osaka, "I only have one."

"Yeah," said Tomo, "That's why I'm the leader!"

"Because you have two dead end jobs instead of only having one?"

"Indeed Sakaki," said the hyperactive woman, "I have to admit that you are containing your jealousy quite well."

"Oh I'm containing something alright."

Sakaki watched as Tomo ignored her and turned on the computer. The brown haired woman watched the other brown haired woman while being watched by a black haired woman. Osaka then yawned with boredom. The "wildcat" seemed to have found something, something terrible.

"Hey Osaka," said Tomo, "Why is the homepage changed to AOL?"

"I didn't change it to AOL," said Osaka, "I don't even use the computer."

"It doesn't matter," said the woman, "I'll let it go for now. What should I look up on YouTube?"

"Before you use YouTube," said Sakaki, "There's something I have to tell you. Beware of sata andagi."

"What is that?"

"Look it up in the search bar," said Sakaki, "Then play the first video you find."

"_Sata andagi! Sata andagi! Sata andagi! Sata andagi! Sata andagi! Sata andagi! Sata andagi! Sata andagi! Sata andagi! Sata andagi! Sata andagi!_ _Sata andagi...!_" sang the computer.

"How much longer is that video?" asked Osaka.

"It's three hours long!" screamed Tomo.

"And those same two words play endlessly during it," said Sakaki, "Now you know why I warned you about sata andagi."

"How do you know that it plays the whole time?" asked Tomo, clicking the pause button and typing in _lololol and a bottle of win_.

"Because I watched it," said Sakaki, "I hoped that there would be a deeper meaning to the video. Alas I was mistaken, for three hours I waited for it to say something, _anything_ other than sata andagi. My patience was not rewarded, not even by the credits, since it doesn't have credits."

"Yeah," said Tomo, "I would have stopped watching it _way_ before the three hours was up."

"What made you think that the video would be meaningful?" asked Osaka, "You were on YouTube, not inside the Oxford English library."

"Is that what it's called?" asked Tomo.

"Maybe," said Osaka, "What is sata andagi anyways?"

"I'll tell you," said Sakaki, "Sata andagi, is essentially a donut."

"That's it?" asked Tomo.

"Yep."

"Then why has it been made into, over one million videos on YouTube?"

"I'll tell you," said Sakaki, "just like I did about the trolls."

"That troll story was dumb," said Tomo, "No one fell for that crap."

"It's not made up," said Sakaki, "It's what really happened."

"Yeah right," said Tomo, "But tell us another crazy story."

"Before he was arrested and accused of the sexual molestation of children, Michael Jackson was seen eating what appeared to be a normal donut. Through a more thorough examination by the media, it was actually found to be an imported snack from Japan. Curious as to what the treat was CNN sent in an elite strike force of former Delta Force operators.

"While they were inside Japan the men simply messed around and hit on drunk women. CNN then turned it over to Anderson Cooper who looked it up on the Internet and found that the name of the food was sata andagi. The media then plastered the image of sata andagi all over the world during the Michael Jackson trial. The publicity for the snack was so great that cops stopped eating donuts to buy what was essentially, another stupid donut."

"Like I said before, crazy story and it wasn't even entertaining."

"It wasn't meant to be entertaining Tomo, it was meant to be informative."

"Good, because it was neither, I'm gonna go watch TV. You two do whatever the fuck it is you two do when you're alone." With that the "wildcat" left the room.

"Do they sell sata andagi at the mall?" asked Osaka.

"I would assume so," said Sakaki, "But I don't see a need to buy it, it's pretty much just like a glazed donut."

"Well all of this talk about donuts has made me very hungry," said Osaka, "Now either make me something to eat or I will do something."

"Like what?"

"Maybe I'll just blow up this house," said Osaka, "I am very irritable when I am hungry!"

"What's with you?" asked Sakaki, "Anyways, I am going out for today, and I won't be back till tonight."

"If you're going out," said Osaka, "bring back some Ramen Noodles. We don't have any food in this house and I want some Ramen Noodles."

"Whatever." With that the woman walked out of the room. Osaka decided to take a nap. Tomo rushed back into the room. She pulled down the shades and turned off the lights.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Dracula is outside our house," whispered Tomo, "He's coming to suck out my blood."

"It's twelve in the afternoon," said Osaka, "Vampires die in sunlight."

"He's become a reverse vampire," said Tomo, "Look at him on the front lawn."

"That's a bike."

"It's the ghost of Dracula. He's come to suck out my blood and eat my soul. Why is Sakaki walking up to him? She'll be killed. Oh no, she's propping him up, now she's pedaling him down the sidewalk! At least she's wearing a helmet," Tomo covered her eyes, "That will give her a few more seconds of life until she has her delicate skull pierced by his hollow fangs!"

"What are you on?"

"I am on my last straw," said Tomo, "With you and your damn comments. Don't you see how much danger she's in?"

"Why are your pupils dilated?"

"Look mom," said Tomo, "I am old enough to just reach into the medicine cabinet, and pull out whatever I god damn feel like eating. That was the entire medicine cabinet by the way, glass and all."

"We need to get you to a hospital then."

"Don't you wave your octopus arms at me," said Tomo, "I will seriously kick your ass if you do."

"I'll knife you in the back," said Osaka, "How do you like them apples?"

"This is not a fruit eating contest," said Tomo, "I will never bow down to your evil octopus rules."

Osaka sighed. She reached for the lava lamp on Sakaki's nightstand. When Tomo turned her head to look at "Dracula's ghost" Osaka smashed the trippy ornament against her skull.


	3. Meet Kaorin

"_I prefer the meat, of the burger._"

"_As do I_."

"What are you two doing in here?" asked Sakaki.

"We're just watching cartoon shows," said Tomo, "Is that a crime all of a sudden?"

"You're supposed to be tracking down the person who murdered a black kid," said Sakaki.

"Yeah," said Tomo, "Osaka and I thought about that, and neither of us really wants to do that."

"This whole 'Azu Teen Humor Force' thing has been a bust," said Sakaki, "We've been here four months and we haven't solved any crimes or helped any teens."

"I could have told you that this would fail when we first met," said Tomo, "In fact I did."

"I remember that day," said Osaka, "It was one of the worst days of my life."

"Yeah," said Sakaki, "It was a terrible day for me too. It was when I first met Miss Obnoxiouspants over there."

"Look," said Tomo, "I know we don't always get along, but I did not pee all over your bed, just because you didn't cook the noodles how I like them."

"Then how do you explain the fact that there was _I peed all over your fucking bed because you piss me the fuck off_ in your hand writing Sharpied onto my pillow?"

"It was definitely Osaka," said Tomo, "I don't act so immaturely."

"That's what pisses me off," said Osaka, "The note on the refrigerator said to call me Osaka, my name is Ayumu Kasuga!"

"The note said to call you Osaka and we will do what it says."

"Why were your names actually on there?" asked Osaka, "Why did they stick me with a nickname?"

"Shut your damn trap," said Tomo, "There are important issues for us to deal with right now!"

"Why did we receive a huge hospital bill in the mail?" asked Sakaki.

"Tomo ate every drug in the medicine cabinet," said Osaka, "So I smashed your lava lamp over her head and took her to the hospital. Thanks for buying some food by the way."

"Well I'm just glad that my credit card was used to pay for the stay," said Sakaki, "Which one of you thought that was a good idea?"

"It wasn't mine," said Osaka.

"I did it," said Tomo, "It was for making the fish too dry. I also smashed your computer monitor with a golf club."

"Yeah," said Sakaki, "I noticed that."

"So are we all agreed that we need to go out clubbing?" asked Tomo.

"It will be nice to leave the house," said Osaka.

"Okay," said Sakaki, "But no getting drunk."

"Why not?" asked Tomo, "I can have a little fun once in a while!"

"Your idea of 'fun' always ends up with me bailing you out of jail!" said Sakaki.

"Sounds like a personal problem to me," said Osaka, "I would have just left her there until she was released."

"I know," said Sakaki, "But you're usually over there with her!"

"Look," said Tomo, "Why don't we just go already? I'm not getting any younger."

The three of them set off down the block. They walked by another house, this one was a light gray, just like theirs. A bespectacled woman stood in front of the door. She seemed irritated with the Azu Teens as they walked by. One of the women stopped and waved at their neighbor.

"Good morning neighbor," said Tomo, "My name's Tomo Takino."

"Why are you near my house?" asked the woman.

"What's that?" asked Tomo, "We can borrow your car?"

"No," said the woman, "I will never lend you my car!"

"Great!" said Tomo, "We'll bring it back with a full tank of gas!" The "wildcat" opened the driver side door. She got into the seat. "The keys are missing," said Tomo, "But that's okay buddy! I can get around that." She fumbled around under the steering wheel. "Okay it's ready to go!" she yelled, "Get in you two!"

The woman in front of the gray house yelled at Sakaki and Osaka as they rushed inside. The red sports car took off down the street, leaving skid marks all over the road. Sakaki looked out the back window.

"We really shouldn't have done that to Yomi," said Sakaki.

"Oh don't worry about it," said Tomo, "The cops have stopped responding to her complaints for a while now."

"Are we really going to bring this thing back with a full tank of gas?" asked Osaka.

"No," said Tomo, "Do you have any idea how expensive gas is nowadays? We can't afford to buy it for people like her."

"Well we're going to have to buy it," said Sakaki, "Look at the fuel gauge."

"Okay," said Tomo, "We'll stop at this 7 Eleven 'cause they got indoor bathrooms."

Osaka and Sakaki stood in the small convenience store waiting for their roommate to emerge from the bathroom. Sakaki looked at the refrigerated drinks, the shelved candies. She stared at the swirling blue and pink masses inside of the slush machine. The boredom that plagued her mind would not go away.

"So…did she really eat everything in the medicine cabinet?"

"Yep," said Osaka, "Even the Oxy pads."

"Why did she eat acne medication?" asked Sakaki.

"Probably because it belonged to you," said Osaka.

"How can you be so sure that it belonged to me?"

"When has she ever knowingly destroyed her own belongings?" asked Osaka.

"Oh no," said Sakaki, "It's that person I met at the grocery store!"

"Who's that?"

"She's standing right next to the counter," said Sakaki.

"What's so bad about her?"

"She's a lesbian…with a crush on me."

"But I thought you were…."

"Well you thought wrong," said Sakaki.

"How do you know she's a lesbian?" asked Osaka.

"Well I don't really," said Sakaki, "But she kept saying that she was one, well implying it really." Sakaki thought about her experience yesterday. She had been stuck in a long line at the grocery store. A woman with dark colored hair had asked what Sakaki's name was.

"My name is Kaori," the person had told Sakaki, "Though most people call me Kaorin."

"I see," said Sakaki, "What's in your cart?"

"Assorted fruits and vegetables," said Kaorin, "All of which look surprisingly like cylindrical objects."

"I noticed," said Sakaki. _Why would someone fill a cart with zucchinis, cucumbers, bananas, and tilapia?_ "What are you going to make with those?"

"They're not for me," said Kaorin, "A friend of mine wants them for some reason. Actually the tilapia really is mine."

"I see," Sakaki had told Kaorin.

"Do you listen to Lady Gaga?"

"Not really," Sakaki had told her.

"How about Ke$ha?"

"Not too much, no."

"Eminem?"

"Who?"

"Taylor Swift?"

"No."

"Marc Anthony?"

"Actually yeah," said Sakaki, "Though that's mainly because my roommate owns all of the albums."

"Ooh," said Kaorin, "That sounds interesting. Who's your roommate?"

"Well I have two," said Sakaki, "One is extremely obnoxious and hyper, the other is lethargic and is picked on by my other roommate."

"Weird," said Kaorin, "Is it cool to live in?"

"No," said Sakaki, "In fact I'm only living with the two of them because my job requires it."

"That's too bad," said Kaorin, "When I first moved out it was after a huge confrontation with my parents. 'Our daughter is not a lesbian!' they cried. 'Your daughter _is_ a lesbian!' I cried!"

"That's great really," said Sakaki, "But I don't really want to know your life story and all so maybe we can stop talking about this…."

"Okay," said Kaorin, "we could always go to my apartment. There we could hangout, watch a movie, maybe even go swimming at the pool in the apartment block."

"Maybe," said Sakaki, slowly looking around for another open checkout lane.

"I mean it would just be a friendly visit," said Kaorin, "You know, 'cause we're friends…if you want to be friends that is…."

"Umm."

"I mean it's totally fine if you don't want to be," said Kaorin, "Some people just don't like people with certain…preferences you know."

"It's not that," said Sakaki, "so much as the fact that you invited me to your apartment, alone."

"You could bring your roommates if you like," said Kaorin, "In fact you should! Here," she reached inside her purse, "This is my address."

"Um, okay."

"Please come visit me," said Kaorin, "I need attention so I don't go crazy."

"Right," said Sakaki.

"Don't leave me," said Kaorin, "I'm scared to be alone."

"Wow," said Osaka.

"And that's why I don't want to talk to her."

"You're taking this way out of line," said Osaka, "I mean it's not like she asked you to sleep with her. She's just lonely."

"What about the fact that she wanted me to go swimming with her?" asked Sakaki.

"What's so bad about swimming?" asked Osaka, "She probably just wants to have fun and friends, maybe get some exercise at the same time. People do their best to keep their weight down you know."

"She said she wanted to go swimming because she wanted to see me sopping wet," Sakaki rebuked.

"Well that is a little suggestive," said Osaka, "But she might not be a lesbian, she may just be curious."

"She had a cart filled with cylindrical objects."

"That she said were for her friend," said Osaka, "Honestly you're making a bigger deal out of this than you really need to."

"I agree completely," said Tomo, "Not only that, but she has a nice car."

"I don't care how nice her care is," said Sakaki, "The fact of the matter is that she is possibly a lesbian, who may or may not find me sexually attractive."

"Look Sakaki," said Tomo, "Let me level with ya here. No one in their right mind would find you sexually attractive, I mean look at you. Oversized bust, long legs, those are not things that people find attractive."

"Then why do you cry in your room every night saying 'I wish I looked like Sakaki so guys would want me too!'?" asked Osaka.

"She says that?"

"No Sakaki, I do not say that. Even if I did, Miss No Chest here would know better than to open her big mouth and tell everyone about it. Especially if she doesn't want me to pour scalding water on her face as she sleeps!"

"Hi Sakaki," said Kaorin.

_Damn it_. "Hello."

"Are these your roommates?"

"We most certainly are," said Tomo, "We are…the Azu Teen Humor Force! I am the leader, Osaka is the sidekick, and Sakaki is the support member."

"What are you talking about?" asked Sakaki, "I'm the one that does all the work!"

"Will you stop taking credit for my plans?" asked Tomo, "I was the one who told you to dodge the bullets after all!"

"Why am I the sidekick?" asked Osaka, "And my name isn't Osaka, it's Ayumu, Ayumu Kasuga!"

"Oh, I see you three don't get along so well…."

"Oh we do," said Tomo, "And we are going to hang out at your apartment."

"Really?"

"Yes," said Tomo, "Now where is it?"

"Sakaki has the address written down," said Kaorin, "I guess I'll see you guys at seven!" The woman walked out the front door of the shop. She waved goodbye, winking at Sakaki before she left.

"You see," said Sakaki, "I told you, I told you she was a lesbian!"

"What is your problem with lesbians?" asked Osaka.

"It's not that I have a problem with lesbians," said Sakaki, "I just feel uncomfortable standing next to them."

"Whatever," said Tomo, "Let's just go to her house, get her drunk, and then steal everything that isn't nailed down."


	4. Kaorin Can Sing?

"Hey Kaorin," asked Tomo, "Do you have any valuables in your apartment?"

"What?"

"No," said Sakaki, "We're detectives. Our job is to uphold the law. This person invited us into her home, we are not doing that thing you mentioned in the car."

"I want to get a second opinion on this, Osaka?"

"No."

"I thought her name was Ayumu," said Kaorin.

"It might be," said Tomo, "I'm not quite sure."

"I am," said Osaka, "My name is Ayumu!"

"Will you give it a rest?" asked Tomo, "I've heard this many times before."

"You don't listen to me!" said Osaka, "It's so frustrating!"

"So Sakaki," said Kaorin, "How do you like the apartment?"

"It's nice."

"Thank you," Kaorin closed her eyes and smiled.

"I told you nothing would happen," said Osaka, "Now do you believe me?"

"Let's go out on the town!" said Tomo, "That's why I stopped watching TV."

"Sounds good," said Kaorin, "Where should we go?"

"Where is there to go?" asked Osaka.

"Let's just stay in the more upscale districts," said Kaorin, "That would be good."

"Why is that?" asked Sakaki.

"Because I've been afraid of dark areas ever since my boss was fired."

"I don't get it," said Tomo.

"Well my boss was fired because I filed a sexual harassment suit against him," said Kaorin.

"What happened?"

"Ever since I started working there two years ago I felt insecure about being alone in the office. My boss seemed like a nice person," said Kaorin, "until I had been working there for two weeks. That was when he tried to make a pass at me!"

"Interesting," said Tomo.

"No!" yelled Kaorin, "Not interesting! I always tried to leave the building early so I wouldn't be the last one in the office. Everyday from nine to five I would tremble at my desk in fear of being called into his office. Sometimes he would call me into his office and make unwanted advances on me. I was so afraid of being in the building by myself. I didn't say anything before in the fear that I would be fired. Luckily I was transferred to a different department, that was when I filed the claim against him.

"The company was very helpful with the whole ordeal. Eventually he was sent to jail for violating other employees."

"He violated you?" asked Sakaki.

"No thank god," said Kaorin, "During the trial I had to relive the terrifying experience. I could feel myself being pressed against a wall again, feeling like I was trapped. I can still feel my arms pinned against the wall. I can hear him asking me inappropriate things. No Mr. Robertson! Get away from me!"

"Maybe we should leave the house," said Tomo, "It might help her to leave once in a while with people that she just met."

"I don't think that's such a good idea," said Sakaki, "I mean she's lying on the floor in the fetal position."

"No I'm okay." Kaorin rubbed tears out of her eyes. "It was just an emotional experience for me. I lived at home then because I thought my dad had a shotgun in the garage. Then I learned that he believes guns are evil. I never left my home because I feared that my boss was outside on my front lawn."

"What a bastard," said Tomo.

"After he was imprisoned I moved out. I never leave my house alone at night because I fear that someone like him is out there. I even heard a rumor that he escaped," said Kaorin, "That's why I don't want to be alone, ever!"

"Don't worry," said Sakaki, "I'm sure that even if he did escape and was looking for revenge, he'd attack a couple other people before he'd attack you."

"You fail at comforting," said Tomo, "How is that supposed to make her feel better?"

"Whoops, I dropped the ball on that one didn't I?" asked Sakaki.

"Maybe we should talk about something else," said Osaka, "Kaorin's lying on the ground sobbing again. I'm surprised that you would say something so insensitive Sakaki."

"That's my bit," said Tomo, "Don't you dare steal it."

"I'll be okay," said Kaorin.

"Are you sure?" asked Osaka.

"I think so." The woman got up from the floor. She rubbed her eyes leaving wet spots on her cheeks. A wave of pity washed over Sakaki as she thought about what the person had gone through. The four of them headed towards Kaorin's car. They headed off, leaving the apartment unlocked behind them.

"Do any of you have money?" asked the bartender.

"Hey Sakaki can you cover this for me?"

"No Tomo. I'm not going to pay for you and Osaka to get shit hammered again."

"I'm surprised that it took seven times for you to stop," said Osaka, "Especially since you had to pick us up at the jail seven times."

"Let's just say I'm too patient," said Sakaki.

She watched as the two of them went over to the bar. Sakaki shook her head in disgust. She thought back to the last time they had been in jail for public drunkenness. She could remember how Osaka had said, "Hang up on her ass," to Tomo during their "one call". The two of them came back from the bartender with happy looks on their faces.

"The bartender said that if we can serve as the entertainment we'll get free drinks!"

"I don't drink," said Sakaki, "So how does that help me?"

"You've always wanted to be a pop star," said Tomo, "Here's a chance for you to prove that you can sing."

At that Sakaki agreed to help her roommates. Though she didn't like to admit it she did practice singing in the shower. The three of them went onto the stage.

"What are we gonna do?" asked Tomo.

"We're singing _Just Dance_, but with slightly altered lyrics," said Sakaki.

"But that will make me upset and Osaka happy…."

"Sounds like a plan to me," said a smiling Ayumu.

"_True_."

"_Red One._"

"_Konvict._"

"_Gaga._"

"_Whoa._"

"_I've had a little bit too much_," sang Sakaki.

"_Oh whoa wha-oh!_"

"_All of the people start to rush_."

Osaka sang, "_They start to rush by_."

"_How does he twist and dance? Can't find my drink oh man._"

"_Where are my keys?_"

"_I lost my phone, no_."

"_Let's go in all on the floor. I love this record baby but I can't see straight any more. I'll just stay cool. What's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright, I'm alright. Just dance, gonna be okay. Gotta do it. Just dance. Spin that record babe. Gotta do it. Just dance._ _Wish I could shut my playboy mouth_," Sakaki sang.

"_Oh oh wha-oh!_"

"_Why'd I turn my t-shirt inside out?_"

"_Inside out, right._"

"_Come choose your poison babe. Makes it easy that way_."

Then Osaka sang, "_We're all getting' hosed tonight._"

"_Oh no_."

"_Let's go in all on the floor. I love this record baby but I can't see straight any more. I'll just stay cool. What's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright, I'm alright. Just dance, gonna be okay. Gotta do it. Just dance. Spin that record babe. Gotta do it. Just dance._"

"_Then I come onto the dance floor checkin' out everybod'_," sang Tomo, "_Can't believe my eyes, so many women without a flaw! Ain't gonna give it up, steady try to pick 'em up like a god. Shorty I can you've got so much energy! It's from the way you twirl your hips round and round. I don't see any reason why you can't leave here with me. Just continue to brake it down!_"

"_Go! Use your muscle carve it out, yo hustle!_"

"_I got it, just stay close enough to get it all—_"

"_Don't slow! Just dance, gonna be okay. Gotta do it. Just dance. Spin that record babe. Gotta do it. Just dance, gonna be okay. Just dance, just dance, ju-ju-just dance_."

"Boo," said the crowd, "Those weren't the exact lyrics!"

"I'd rather _not_ get sued," said Sakaki, "Was that the only reason you hated it?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god."

"We should beat them up," said a member of the crowd.

"Indeed we should," said a woman in a Lady Gaga t-shirt, "They deserve it!"

"I have that same shirt!" said Osaka, "Did you get it off of EBay too?"

"Shut up! I don't want to connect with you as an individual!"

The angry crowd came closer. Each second brought the ridiculous people a step closer to the three of them. The sound of a violin played. The crowd turned to see someone playing the instrument behind them. Her dark colored hair contrasted with her pale face. Her left hand held onto the neck of the violin. The bow sat in her right hand. She pulled the bow across one of the strings of the violin. The air filled with an eerie sound, Kaorin started to sing.

"_Baby can't you see, I'm callin'? You should wear a warnin'... It's dangerous, I'm fallin'..._" The bow of the violin made left another eerie noise. "_There's no escape. I can't wait! I need a hit, baby give me it! You're dangerous, I'm lovin' it!_" Kaorin looked at Sakaki, giving her a wink. Sakaki felt her face warm. The bow moved again.

"_Too high, can't come down! Losin' my head, spinnin' round and round. …Do you feel me now?_"

The crowd was silent as they listened to the girl continue to sing. They seemed to be in a trance as she began again. She closed her eyes, she had a smile on her face.

"_With a taste of your lips, I'm on a ride! You're toxic, I'm slippin' under. The taste of a poison paradise. I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic? And I love what you do, don't you know that you're toxic?_"

Osaka and Sakaki had started to dance along to the music. Tomo glared at them in anger. The "wildcat" continued to listen to the young woman sing. The song was intoxicating.

"_It's getting' late, to give you up! I took a sip, from my devil cup! Slowly it's takin' over me._" The violin continued to make eerie sounds. The bow ran along the strings of the violin. "_Too high, can't come down! It's in the air and it's all around! …Can you feel me now?_" The woman looked at Sakaki again, giving her a smile. Sakaki felt herself blush again while she danced. The crowd sang along with Kaorin.

"_With a taste of your lips, I'm on a ride! You're toxic, I'm slippin' under. The taste of a poison paradise. I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic? And I love what you do, don't you know that you're toxic? Don't you know that you're toxic?_

"_Taste of your lips, I'm on a ride! You're toxic, I'm slippin' under. The taste of a poison paradise. I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic? With a taste of your lips, I'm on a ride! You're toxic, I'm slippin' under. The taste of a poison paradise. I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?_

"_Intoxicate me now, with your lovin' now! I think I'm ready now. Intoxicate me now, with your lovin' now. I'm ready now. Don't you know that you're toxic?_"

Kaorin bowed. The crowd cheered. Osaka smiled with glee since she was a huge fan of Britney Spears. Sakaki smiled too, she had found a new friend.

"What did you guys think?" asked Kaorin as they drove towards her apartment.

"It was great," said Osaka, "I love that song!"

"It was pretty good," said Sakaki.

The four of them walked inside Kaorin's apartment. Tomo seemed to be dragging her feet behind her. Sakaki turned towards her roommate.

"You alright?"

"Yeah," said Tomo, "I'm just upset that the bartender wouldn't give me any free booze."

"Really?" asked Kaorin, "They gave me a free drink, a guy even gave me his number."

"Hey," said Tomo, "Is that Mr. Robertson behind you?"

Kaorin fell onto the floor. She seemed to be in a trance. Tomo smiled before Sakaki slammed her fist into the "wildcat's" gut. The spiky haired woman fell onto the floor.

"Why did you do that?" asked Osaka.

"I was jealous," said Tomo as she lay on the floor, "I didn't even get a free water and she got someone's phone number!"

"I blame you," said Sakaki.

"Me too," said Osaka.

"Hello women."

Sakaki and Osaka turned around to see a man standing inside the apartment. In his hands he held a crowbar. Osaka paled…somehow, when she saw the man bat the curved end of his weapon against his hand. He gave them an evil smile.

"I take it you're Mr. Robertson?"

"Indeed I am," said Robertson, "And boy do I love me some Asian ass."

"That's nice to know," said Sakaki.

"Why are you so calm?" asked Osaka, "This man came here to kill Kaorin!"

"I'm not concerned," said Sakaki, "I happen to have a plan."

"What good will your little plan do when I shove myself into you?" asked Robertson.

"If Plan E works then you won't have to worry about 'coming on too strong.'"

"What's the E stand for?" asked Osaka.

"Eagle," said Sakaki, reaching into her coat, "Desert Eagle to be exact."

The Israeli weapon seemed big in her right hand. The Mark XIX's silver frame was pointed at Robertson's face. Osaka ducked behind a couch, though the upholstery wouldn't do her much if the .50 Action Express went off. Robertson sweated as he gazed down the barrel of the pistol into Sakaki's soulless eyes.

"Just one question," said Sakaki, "Why did you come here?"

"I was going to rape your friend, then kill her, maybe not even in that order."

"You're an idiot aren't you?" asked Sakaki.

The XIX ended the life of the scumbag. Sakaki's thumb hit the magazine release. She placed the rectangular object back inside of her coat. Osaka's mouth gaped as she walked out from behind the couch.

"Where did you get that?"

"We live in the ghetto," said Sakaki, "Where do you think I got it?"

"You stole it?"

"No, I found it on the front lawn."

Sexual harassment in the workplace is _NOT_ something to be ignored. If you ever feel uncomfortable about comments people make about you or your gender in your place of work, SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I can't stress this fact enough, don't be so worried about losing your job. I'm not saying that you shouldn't care if you lose your job or not, **but you shouldn't let someone do things to you because you have that thought in your head!** End of Author's Note, hopefully people will take this part of the story seriously.


	5. Doncha

Warning, this chapter contains the song America F**k Yeah from the Team America: World Police official soundtrack. If you find this song offensive then you can skip this chapter, because you won't miss much.

"Mmm. That feels good," said Sakaki as she slept in her bed.

"Yeah, it sure does," said Osaka.

"Wait a minute," Sakaki opened her eyes and took off the top sheet, "What the hell?"

"Huh?"

"Osaka, what are you doing in my bed?"

"Well I can't exactly sleep in my own bed can I?" asked Osaka.

"And why not?"

"Because it's a damn fire pit," said Osaka, "How do you expect me to sleep in a giant circle made of sand?"

"When we went to the bed store and we saw a hobo peeing inside of one of those things you said 'That's what I wanna sleep on.'"

"No," said Osaka, "I said that's what I _don't_ want to sleep on. Then you asked me if I was sure, and I mistakenly said yes."

"Well then why the hell didn't you say something about it?"

"I did," said Osaka, "But you didn't hear me!"

"If you sleep in your room," said Sakaki, "I'll give you this lovely sticker book!"

"That's good," said Osaka, "Because that means that I can stick it up your ass. What do you think I am five years old?"

"Will you just get out my bed please?"

"You and I both know that there is a monster in my room waiting for me to fall asleep so he can kill and eat me!"

"Osaka that's just crazy," said Sakaki, "You're too old to believe in monsters."

"Tell that to kidnapped people," said Osaka, "Who do you think takes them?"

"Fine," said Sakaki, "I'll take the rug."

Sakaki drooled onto the carpet as the morning light hit her eyelids. With a yawn Sakaki rubbed her eyes. Her face had a panicked look as she felt something wrapped around her waist. Her eyes glanced down.

"Oh god damn it."

"What happened?" asked Osaka.

"Get off of me," said Sakaki.

"Sorry," said the woman as she let go and sat up, "I look for warm objects in my sleep and wrap myself around them."

"Why do you think your room has a monster in it?"

"Unholy noises come out of it during the night," said Osaka, "It's really creepy."

"Are you sure it's not just Tomo trying to scare you again?"

"I'm not quite sure," said Osaka, "But I know that I am not sleeping in that damn fire pit anymore!"

"We'll go buy you a new bed today," said Sakaki, "I don't want to wake up with a drooling person wrapped around my waist!"

"I'm glad I have an employee discount for Best Buy," said Tomo, "That way I was able to buy the scary music, the mp3 player, and this video camera. I recorded your little lovefest," the "wildcat" grinned.

"Lovefest?" asked Sakaki, "How is yelling at someone to get out of your room a lovefest?"

"I'll add it all in during post," said Tomo, "Then when I upload it onto YouTube I'll send a link to your girlfriend Kaorin."

"She is not my girlfriend," said Sakaki, "Besides she's your friend too."

"Yeah," said Tomo, "And we have a very close relationship. Now please shut your face hole so I can upload this onto the Internet."

"Oh no," said Sakaki, "It's my computer, and I'm not going to let you try to insult me over the Internet!"

"Fine!" yelled Tomo, "I'll just go to Best Buy and get myself a laptop and a Wi-Fi thingy."

"Look," said Sakaki, "We both know that you're too lazy to go over there and do that. So why don't we just relax and do that job we're supposed to be doing?"

"I'll just go to Yomi's house," said Tomo, "She has a computer there."

"You know she'll never let you inside," said Sakaki, "Now why don't you save yourself the trouble and just give me the camera?"

"The hell I will," said Tomo, "And by the way I accidentally signed us up for the Marines over the Internet."

"What?"

"Yeah I know," said Tomo, "But this will give us the chance to get out of the house."

"It'll also give us the chance to get shot at!" said Sakaki.

"That was gonna happen anyways," said Tomo, "You were the one who wanted to go and try to convince minorities to not join criminal street gangs. What the hell did you think those gangs were gonna do when you rained on their recruitment parade?"

"Aw crap," said Osaka, "You mean I'm gonna have to die in some godforsaken sandbox?"

"The Middle East is where religion started," said Sakaki, "Well at least the ones that actually matter…."

"Oh sure," said Tomo, "Be a complete jackass why don't ja?"

"Oh my god!" said Kaorin as she picked the three of them up, "You were all put into the Marines?"

"Yeah," said Sakaki, "Thanks to Tomo."

"It sounds like someone wants a knife fight," said Tomo.

Sakaki rolled her eyes. "Let's see how close you can get to cutting me before I gouge both your eyes out of their sockets!"

"You know Sakaki," said Kaorin, "There is a way to keep from being in the United States military."

"And that is?"

"Being a homosexual," said Kaorin, "Or at least pretending to be one."

"I'm not quite sure why you're bringing this up in the car," said Sakaki. _Actually I know perfectly well why you're bringing this up in the car_, thought Sakaki, _and no. I am not doing that._

"It doesn't really matter," said Kaorin, "The fact is that it's a surefire way to get out of the military."

"Well," said Tomo, "I think I'll just go and learn how to cap bitches." She made a gun with her hands. "Pow, pa-pow. Pffffffft, pffffffft, pffffffft. Bang, bang, bang."

"I just hope that I'm too incompetent to be put into action," said Osaka, "That'll be my plan for this whole experience."

_I can't believe that Sakaki's so dense_, thought Kaorin, _How stupid do you have to be to not understand that I was hitting on her?_ _But she's so dreamy..._ The woman shook her head as she drove towards….

"Where are we supposed to go?" asked Kaorin.

"Here," said Tomo, "I have a route through MapQuest."

"This leads to Afghanistan," said Kaorin.

"It's pretty much the same thing," said Tomo.

Tomo and Osaka stood with several other recruits. They had met a man named Smith who said his mother would kill him for joining the Marines. Tomo had told him that he was a pussy. They hadn't spoken since.

"Okay you devil dogs," said the African American drill sergeant, "Before we do anything we are going to play the official Marine theme song."

"Don't tell anyone this," whispered Tomo, "But I put a different CD in there as a prank. I found it in Kaorin's apartment so it'll probably be gay people music."

"Oh," giggled Osaka, "I can't wait to see how they respond to it."

The black noncom pressed the play button. The recruits stood there, no sound played. The noncom hit the play button again, they heard the strumming of a guitar.

_America... _(guitar strum)_ America..._

_America, Fuck Yeah! __Comin' in here to save the mother fuckin' day yeah! __America__, Fuck Yeah!_

_Freedom is the only way yeah__!_

_Terrorists your game is through, 'cause now you have to answer to... __America__, Fuck Yeah! So lick my butt and suck on my balls! __America__, Fuck Yeah! What ja gonna do when we come for you yeah?_

_It's the dream that we all share, it's the hope for tomorrow!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Mc Donald's!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Walmart!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_The __GAP__!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Baseball!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_NFL!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Rock n' Roll!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Internet!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Slavery!_

_Fuck yeah!_

The African Americans' jaws dropped. Tomo and Osaka were speechless. The drill sergeant tried to turn off the music player, to no avail. The song continued to play.

_Starbucks!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Disney World!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Porno!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Valium!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Reebok!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Fake tits!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Sushi!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Taco __Bell__!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Rodeos!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Bed __Bath__ and Beyond!_

_Fuck yeah? Fuck yeah?_

"Isn't sushi Japanese?" Smith asked an African American man.

"I'm still coming to terms with the slavery comment."

"I understand," said Smith.

_Liberty__!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Wax lips!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_The __Alamo__!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Band aids!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Las Vegas__!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Christmas!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Immigrants!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Popeye!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Democrats!_

_Fuck yeah!_

_Republicans!_

_Fuck yeah? Fuck ye—_

_Sportsmanship... Books..._

The song slowly died away. Everyone's mouth was agape. The African American instructor shook his head in despair. Osaka and Tomo traded shocked looks.

"You found that in Kaorin's apartment?" Osaka asked.

"Stole it, but yeah."

"I wonder why she had such a CD," Osaka mused, "It certainly wasn't what I had expected."

"It said _Team America_ on it," said Tomo, "How was I supposed to know that it was going to be so anti-American in nature?"

"Okay," said the instructor, "Which one of you devil dogs put this inside the stereo player?"

"That was her." Tomo's shoulders slumped as Osaka pointed a finger at the "wildcat".

"You worms give me twenty!" yelled the instructor.

"Grr…."

"Argh…."

"What's the matter devil dogs?" asked the instructor.

"We can't even do one…."

"Then you can both clean up all of the bathrooms on this base."

"Why me?" asked Osaka.

"You ratted someone out," said the instructor.

"You asked us to tell you who it was!" screamed Osaka.

"You can think about how logical my decision was while you scrape dried urine off of the urinals!" yelled the instructor, "Now get to it!"

"Oh man," said Tomo as she was forced to peel potatoes.

"I can't believe that we don't know how to clean a bathroom," said Osaka, "Come to think of it neither one of us knows how to peel potatoes either."

"Does it matter?" asked Tomo, "We'll probably just die when we first get out there anyways."

"I guess you're right," said Osaka, "What happened to Sakaki?"

"I don't know," said Tomo, "I just don't know…."

"I'm part of Force Recon?" asked Sakaki.

"Yes."

"Why?" asked Sakaki, "I haven't even completed basic training."

"You're here do to a paperwork mix up," said the sergeant, "It's too late to do anything about it now."

"The hell it is," said Sakaki, "I'm leaving."

"You can't leave," said the man.

"Why not?" asked Sakaki.

"Because you're not supposed to."

"Is that the official reason?" asked Sakaki.

"If you do we can hunt you down and put you in jail."

"No you can't," said Sakaki, "I'm not even supposed to be here."

"Why is that?" asked the marine.

"Because I'm a lesbian."

"Prove it, make out with the receptionist."

"No way," said Sakaki, "Lesbians don't just have sex with anything that has two legs and a vagina!"

"Okay," said the man, "I think you've made your point…you're free to go."

"Okay, later haters."

"Aw man," said one of the marines as Sakaki walked away, "I was gonna ask her for her phone number."

"I hate this friggin' place," said Tomo.

"Maybe we should leave," said Osaka.

"Where would we go?"

"We could just go back to the house," said Osaka.

"Would we have to walk all the way there?" asked Tomo.

"Yeah," said Osaka.

"Oh man," said Tomo, "We'd better get going then."

"Hey!" said the instructor, "What are you devil dogs doing out here?"

"Kiss my white ass and see how I salute," said Tomo, "You have the twenty one gun salute…and I have the double bun and double finger salute!"

"Don't do that," said Osaka, "They might beat us up."

"Oh yeah you're right," said Tomo.

Sakaki sat inside Kaorin's apartment. She slumped against the couch. There was a white chalk outline on the floor next to her feet. Kaorin said that it had been a relief to wake up with the police nearby, though she wondered why they had shown up. Sakaki pretended not to know.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" asked Kaorin.

"Okay," said Sakaki.

"How about _Team __America__: World Police_?"

"What's it about?"

"I don't know," said Kaorin, "But it sure is funny."

"Oh thank god," said Tomo as she rushed in through the front door, "You two have to help me!"

The three of them heard a loud knocking noise on the front door. Kaorin and Sakaki gave Tomo a suspicious look. The "wildcat" had fear in her eyes, then she remembered something.

"Sorry Kaorin I took this CD from your apartment."

"Oh," said Kaorin as Tomo handed it back, "This is my _Team America_ soundtrack." The woman smiled as she held it in her hands.

"Why did it talk about slavery?" asked Tomo.

"That was just a joke you know."

"The black man I was with didn't think it was so funny."

"Where were you?" asked Kaorin.

"Didn't Sakaki tell you anything?" asked Tomo.

"Let me in!" yelled Osaka, "Why did you slam the door on my face?"

"The Marine Corps is right on our asses trying to get us to do something!" yelled Tomo, "It's everyman for himself!"

"Well," said Sakaki, "You two need to get the fuck out of here. Kaorin and I are not going to go to jail for harboring fugitives."

"Jail is no place for a lesbian," said Kaorin, "It's _way_ too dangerous."

"What are we supposed to do?" asked Tomo.

"If you two make out right in front of the Marine Corps they'll have no choice but to stop bothering you," said Sakaki, "Until Obama or someone like him rescinds 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' it's the law."

"WHAT?"

"And while you do that I'll be filming it on your video camera," said Sakaki, "Then I'll put it up on YouTube."

"I don't wanna die!" yelled Osaka, "We'll have to do it!"

"No way!" screamed Tomo.

"_This is your last warning_," said a loudspeaker, "_Come out now and be a part of something bigger…or is that the Army slogan?_"

Sakaki pushed the two of them out the front door. They stood there as a UH-60 helicopter sat over their heads. A look of defeat came over Tomo's face as she saw Sakaki stick the video camera out of a window.

"Okay," whispered Tomo, "But let's never talk about this again, alright?"

"Agreed," whispered Osaka.

"_Oh god they're gay!_" yelled the sergeant, "_Let's go back to our wholesome non-gay base!_"

"Just a minute sarge," said Smith, "I'm trying to take a vid of this on my cell phone."

"Can you send it to me when you're done?" asked a man named Ramirez.

"Yeah sure."

"I should not be enjoying this," said Tomo, "But I am!"

"_We are leaving now!_" said the loudspeaker, "_And I do not care whether you are recording this on your cell phones or not!_"

Osaka watched as the UH-60 flew away. "Hey," said Osaka, "They're gone." Tomo didn't seem to hear her. Osaka pushed the "wildcat's" face away.

"Hmm," said Kaorin, "I know I've seen this before somewhere."

"Well it's about to be all over the Internet," said Sakaki, "All twenty seconds of it."

"I know what song we can put into the background," said Kaorin.

"Okay let's hear it."

Osaka watched in pain as the video of her and Tomo making out played on YouTube with a familiar song in the background.

"This has forty thousand views?" asked Osaka as _America__ F*ck Yeah_ played in the background.

"Yep," said Tomo who was disturbingly close, "And it's only been ten minutes."


	6. The ATHF Christmas Special

"Ho ho ho!"

"Yay it's Santa!"

"What would you like for Christmas little boy?"

"Um Santa?"

"Yes?"

"Why is you tummy so close to your neck?"

"Well I've gained a little extra weight this year and I've been meaning to work it off for a while now." The young boy began to poke at the bulged red fabric. "Oh, don't do that now. That area is very sensitive."

"Why the Hell are we here?" Tomo asked Osaka as the two of them watched.

"You were the one who wanted to come here," said Osaka, "You said 'Hey let's go to the mall and see how bad Sakaki fails at being Santa!' Then you dragged me out here, after 'borrowing' Yomi's car again."

"Well this is boring," said Tomo.

"Then let's go home."

"No not yet," said the "Wildcat", "I want to see how this goes."

"It ends at seven you know."

"But it's December! How is she supposed to buy us stuff if she gets off when the mall closes?" The "Wildcat" shook her head. "At least I told Kaorin about this."

"What?" asked Osaka.

"Oh look, here she comes now."

_Oh no oh no oh no oh no_, Sakaki thought to herself as Kaorin came over.

_Yay!_ The young woman thought to herself. _I'm glad Tomo sent me the text that told me Sakaki was here!_ She then sat down on the woman's lap.

"Hello there," said Sakaki, hoping that Kaorin didn't know who she was, "What's your name?"

"Kaorin," she said with a smile. The wink that she gave told Sakaki that Kaorin did indeed know who she was. Inwardly the tall woman screamed.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" _Dear god, why is she here?_

"I think you know what I want," said Kaorin as she whispered something into Sakaki's ear.

"Um, okay," said Sakaki in her Santa voice, "I'll be sure to get you that…train set you want."

"Really?" asked Kaorin, "How did you know I liked trains so much?" There was a smile on her face, a glimmer in her eyes. She leapt off of Sakaki's lap and spun around with her eyes closed and a smile on her face. She suddenly stopped. "Will it be a red train?"

"But of course," said Sakaki, still acting as Santa, "Ho ho ho."

"This is so boring," said Tomo, as Kaorin also asked for a telescope.

"I wonder what it is that Kaorin said to Sakaki."

"Well Osaka," said Tomo, "I'm pretty sure that she wanted Sakaki's junk."

"What makes you say that?"

"Well why the hell else would she have whispered something to her?"

"Mommy," said the young boy, "What is hell?"

"I'll tell you about it tomorrow dear."

"Mommy?"

"Yes dear?"

"Why is that lady dancing in front of Santa?"  
"I don't know honey," said his mother, "But she seems to be…oh god. Um, would you like to go look at the toys?"

"Yay!" said the small boy as he walked off with his mother.

"Please," said Sakaki, in her regular voice, "Stop thrusting in my direction."

"Sorry," said Kaorin, "That's pretty much the only dance I know. It's why I mainly sing and play the violin."

"Let's go home," said Tomo, "Because this place sucks."

"But it's only twelve o'clock," said Osaka, "What are we gonna do at home?"

"We could watch TV."

"For seven hours?"

"We've done it before."

"Correction, _you've_ done it before," said Osaka, "I went to sleep since it was eleven at night."

"Well that was just because…your face!"

The two of them continued to argue as people passed them by. Some shook their heads as they watched the two people yell at each other. The clock slowly dragged the hour hand. Then while two twins were posing for a picture with "Santa", mall security quickly shoved everyone out the front door.

The three roommates stood in the parking lot. Two of them sat on one of the raised sections of concrete, throwing small black rocks at each other. While the two of them fought, one furiously pounded buttons on her cell phone.

"_I'm sorry, the mall is closed at this time. Please call again tomorrow, or during regular business hours._"

"What?" asked a furious Sakaki, "I worked for three fucking weeks at this mall. Now they're refusing to pay me?"

"Will you shut up?" asked Tomo, just as Osaka hit her eye.

"You three have seen better days."

"Oh," said Sakaki as Kaorin walked up to her, "Hello."

"You three could come over to my apartment," said Kaorin, "It would make this a wonderful Christmas…evening."

"Christmas evening?" said Tomo and Osaka, "I thought that it was the 23rd!"

"Well it's not," said Kaorin, "So what do you say?"  
"Ok," said Osaka.

"We might have to think about it," said Sakaki.

"What's there to think about?" asked Osaka, "I don't know about you, but I damn sure don't want to be inside of that apartment all the time!"

"Well," said Sakaki, "We'll hang out at her place for twenty minutes or so, then we'll go home and…sleep I guess."

"No way," said Tomo, "Let's just sleep there, she has a couch."

"Oh you don't have to sleep on the couch," said Kaorin.

"Really?"

"Of course," said Kaorin, "I mean I do have a cot in the storage space I rented."

"Why would I want to sleep on a cot?" asked Tomo.

"Don't be so rude," said Osaka, "She's just trying to be nice."

"Well," said Sakaki, "I think I'll just take the couch."

"Oh you don't have to do that."

"Do you have another cot?" asked Sakaki.

"No, but I do have a bed," said Kaorin, "It'll be just like a sleepover."

"Oh thank god," said Tomo, "I can sleep in a bed instead of on a damn couch or a cot."

"Uh, aw, what the hell?" said Kaorin, "Yeah you can sleep there."

"Oh good," said Tomo, "Because I snore, and drool, and sometimes I fart all night and touch myself to fall asleep and—"

"I think I'll just sleep on the couch," said Kaorin, "Since it reclines. Well I'll see you guys there at…eight?"

"Sure," said Sakaki, "I'll need some time to get ready, and to decide what I'll do if something happens…."

"What was that?"

"Oh nothing," said Sakaki, "I was just thinking about the last time I was over there."

"When you left the Marines?"

"No," said Sakaki, "The time before that."

"When you borrowed the sugar?"

"I mean the first time I went over there."

"What happened?" asked Kaorin.

"Oh right," said Sakaki, "You don't remember what happened since we left right after I shot that man in your home."

"You killed Mr. Robertson?" Kaorin had a strange look in her eyes as a smile spread across her face. "Oh Sakaki," she wrapped her arms around the woman, before lifting her head and looking deeply into her eyes. "I think, we can be friends."

"I thought we were already friends—"

"We can now be girlfriends!"

"What?"

"GFs, forever!"

"Wait."

"Not _that_ kind of girlfriends," said Kaorin, "But like, you know, bros. That's what I meant."

"Wait," said Tomo, "Are you implying that we're bros?"

"Yep, see you guys at eight o'clock. And don't forget to bring that thing we talked about!" The Azu Teens watched as Kaorin walked away. Osaka good-naturedly waved goodbye. Sakaki buried her head in her arms.

"What is she talking about?" asked Tomo.

"I'd rather not say."

"Where is it?" asked Kaorin.

"Huh?"

"Where's the train set that you promised to bring me Sakaki?"

"You were serious?" the somewhat emo woman was very surprised. "I thought you were just—"

"You promised that it would be red," Kaorin whined, "And that you would bring me a telescope."

"Well, I had to say that," Sakaki explained, "I couldn't say no in front of all those kids waiting to see Santa. It would have destroyed their Christmas spirit."

"You destroyed my Christmas spirit," said Kaorin with tears in her eyes, "You promised me that I would get a train."

"Sorry. It's just, I wasn't paid by my employer, and I have to live with my roommates, and I've been stressed this holiday season since I have to do all the cooking and cleaning and—"

"Hey Sakaki," said Osaka, "Why were you so mean to Kaorin on Christmas?"

"Well I'm explaining the reason and—"

"Yeah," said Tomo, "You just started saying mean things about her for no reason. I can't believe that you are continuing to steal my being a jerk bit."

"I'm trying to explain something here—"

"This is almost as bad as that pasta dish you made for dinner last night!" spat the "Wildcat Idiot".

"It's okay," said Kaorin, "Let's just watch some wholesome Christmas programs."

"Oh," said Osaka, "You mean like those old cartoons and puppet shows that were made in like the sixties?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"_Santa Claus did not die for our sins!_"

"_Santa Claus is dead? No!_"

"This is wholesome Christmas programming?" asked Sakaki.

"Shut up," said Tomo, "I can't understand what Meatwad is saying when you won't be quiet."

"Well this has very little to do with Christmas," said Sakaki.

"It's kind of funny," said Tomo, "You always interrupt shows I like to watch!"

"Maybe it's time for bed," said Kaorin.

"I'm good," Sakaki said with a nervous smile.

"Where are you going to sleep? There're only two couches," Osaka pointed out.

"You could sleep in my bed," said Kaorin, then she leaned towards Sakaki, "I'll give you a hundred bucks to sleep in the same room as me," she whispered.

"Can I get the money up front?"

"Do you think I was born yesterday? Nah I'm just kidding," the woman placed a Benjamin in Sakaki's hand.

"You've got yourself a deal."


	7. The Rise of Tomo

"Hey Osaka, why are we up on the roof?"

"You told me 'Hey Osaka get up on the roof we'll fight up there!' and then I said 'What? No that's stupid.' And then you said that 'Just get up there before I kick your ass!' Then I said 'Bitch I will beat you down.' Then you said 'Twenty bucks says that I can get up on the roof before you can,' and that's why we're up here."

"Okay then," said Tomo, "No it's time to fight, for the mountain!"

"What mountain?" asked Osaka.

"The roof genius!" Tomo then punched her in the face.

"Ow! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"So do you want the mountain or not?"

"No!" said Osaka, "I want my twenty dollars for getting on top of the roof before you did!"

"Twenty bucks says that you can't beat me up!"

"That's the most dumbass bet I've ever heard," said Osaka. "But I agree, give me my twenty dollars!"

"You'll have to take it from me bitch!"

"The hell you say? Give it to me, give it to me now!"

"What are you two doing up there?" asked a concerned Sakaki.

"Oh great," said Tomo, "Look we're not doing anything so why don't you go back in there and fondle yourself like I know you like to do. We'll be up here, doing…whatever the hell we want. And no one is gonna stop us."

"I do not fondle myself," said Sakaki.

"Yeah you do, I've seen you do it in the shower."

"I don't do that in the shower."

"No," said Tomo, "But that's not what I told Kaorin."

"Why did you say that?" asked Osaka, "I mean there really wasn't any reason for you to say that to her. It was just like the time you told the IRS that I wasn't paying my taxes. Why do you always do that?"

"I don't know," said Tomo, "I'm impulsive. Is that a crime now or something?"

"Give me that twenty dollars or I will throw you off the roof!"

"Well then bring it on bitch!" said Tomo, "I'll kick your ass."

"That's it," said Sakaki, "I'm going inside. You two just have fun doing your crazy, dumbass ideas alright?"

"We will!" screamed Tomo as the door slammed shut. "Now…what the hell are we gonna do up here?"

"I don't know," said Osaka, "I kinda wanna get down anyways. This roof is slippery."

"Yeah that's because I sprayed it with the hose and poured olive oil on it."

"Why did you do that?"

"The battle for the mountain!" said Tomo.

"You know one of those two things you did to the roof was unnecessary," said Osaka. "I mean you could have just done one or the other."

"Will you shut up?" asked Tomo, "I don't need any crap from you. I just need to kill someone, or do something, to get on TV."

"Why do you want to get on TV?" asked Osaka.

"To get laid! Duh."

"Don't roll your eyes at me bitch!"

"Oh shut up Osaka," said Tomo, "I mean, we don't want to deal with you, and your kind anymore!"

"My kind?"

"Yeah, people who don't give me free stuff. That's why you're all doomed."

"Doomed?" asked Osaka.

"Doomed to forever be virgins," said Tomo.

"I'm not a virgin," said Osaka.

"You're not?"

"No," she replied. "You know those days when I go out, and don't come back at night? The reason I don't come back, is because I'm getting' my groove on."

"You mean you've had sex?" asked Tomo, "Tell me how you convinced someone to do it with you!" The "Wildcat" slipped as she tried to grab Osaka by the shoulders. She fell into the street, head first. "I'm okay."

"Well you should probably get out of the street," said Osaka.

"Don't tell me what to do!" said Tomo, "I can do whatever I—"

_Honk Honk_

"Aw crap."

"We are gathered here today, to mourn the loss of…. To mourn the loss of…. To mourn…the loss…of…. Hey, who took my cliff notes?"

"Oh god," said Sakaki, "I never expected that she was stupid enough to do something like this. And I never expected the damn eulogist to be so worthless."

"Um, yeah you with the…the Asian face. Who is this funeral for again?"

"I don't see why we're supposed to mourn her death," said Osaka, "I mean, she was a complete ass."

"That's not very nice to say—"

"Well she was a complete bitch!" said Osaka, "She used to hit me!"

"Yeah, but, um…."

"But what?"

"Hey, only two people here, what's the name of this lady?"

"Let's just go," said Sakaki, "And I better not see that 'eulogy' on the bill!"

"Well," said Sakaki, "I guess the Azu Teens are done now." She placed a picture frame onto the kitchen table. It showed a picture of Tomo smiling. Sakaki had tears in her eyes as she looked at the photograph.

"Hey Sakaki, where do you want me to put the keg?"

"What?"

"Where do you want the keg to go for the party?"

"What party?"

"The celebration party," said Osaka, "Yomi insisted that we have one."

"You're celebrating the death of Tomo?"

"Hell yeah," said Osaka, "She was terrible! I'm just glad, that I will never _ever_ have to see her again"

A pillar of flame erupted from the floor. The light played off of their faces as they watched the swirling vortex. Within its twists and curves a shape was visible. It smiled as they looked on in terror.

"Ha ha! I have returned from the depths of Hell! I, Tomo Takino have once again—"

BAM

Osaka's eye twitched slightly as Sakaki ejected the round out of her shotgun. Tomo's headless body fell onto the floor. Osaka's mouth gaped as she turned towards Sakaki.

"I can't believe she ruined the carpet."

"Well I'm back bitches! Now I can—"

BAM

"I didn't expect that to happen again," said Sakaki, "Damn zombies."

"Listen, I don't want to—"

BAM

"Okay now seriously—"

BAM

"Okay don't shoot please," said Tomo as she stood on eight of her own corpses. "I don't understand what's going on here!"

"Neither do we," said Sakaki, "How do you keep coming back to life?"

"I don't know," said Tomo, "I mean, I keep going to heaven—"

"What's it like?" asked Osaka.

"Oh it's a wonderful place," said Tomo. "It's filled with hot guys that don't wear shirts, busy lifting things and showing off their huge muscles. And best of all, they're all super horny! And that brings me back to what kept happening. You see every time I tried to get laid, the devil just kept breaking into heaven, appearing and grabbing me by the shoulders and saying 'Get it done!' Then I kept ending up here. What the fuck is going on?"

"Okay," said Osaka, "That story sounds a little far fetched. I mean for starters, you going to heaven? How stupid do you think I am? And secondly if that story's true, why was the first thing you said to us that you returned from the depths of Hell?"

"Well I was surrounded by flames so I thought I would go with that."

"Yeah," said Sakaki, "Do you know how hard it is to get these char marks off of the floor?"

"Shut up," said Tomo, "I need to find some way to keep from being brought back to life. Sakaki, you know math right?"

"I don't think that math is going to help," said Sakaki.

"Well then give me an exorcism," said Tomo.

"Do you even know what those are?" asked Sakaki.

"But I'm your only friend!" whined Tomo.

"What about Osaka?"

"I have Facebook friends," said Osaka. "I don't know any of them though, especially not Hwikek Jones."

"So how are we gonna keep me from coming back to life?" asked Tomo.

"Look," said Osaka, "It's simple, you just get beaten to death with a crucifix and that should work. You just need to make sure it gets stuck in your body or something."

"How would that work?" asked Tomo.

"Look," said Osaka, "When you die, why don't you just ask like Jesus or someone to keep you from coming back to life?"

"Will that work?"

"How would I know?" asked Osaka.

_Knock Knock_

"Hey you guys!" said Yomi as Osaka opened the door. "I brought some beer to celebrate the party and…. What is she doing here? I thought you said that she had died, I mean that was why we were having the party."

"Yeah I know," said Osaka, "But we she came back to life somehow, and now she's here."

"Well you can forget about the party," said Yomi, "And I'm taking my booze with me."

"Fine you bitch!" yelled Tomo, "I didn't want your crappy beer anyways!" Then Tomo grabbed Osaka. She carried the struggling woman out the front door. "This is why I was sent back, to kill the person who killed me!"

"But, you died by accident!" screamed Osaka, "And furthermore it was completely _your fault!_"

"Yeah well…. I…. Fuck it. I'm carrying you out into the road."

_Honk Honk_

"Say goodbye!"

"But you'll die too!"

"Yeah? Well…I keep getting brought back to life so there!"

_Honk Honk_

"Aw man this is gonna suck," said Tomo.

_Wh-where am I?_ Osaka looked around. _Am I dead? This looks just like my old high school._ The door was pushed open. _Wait, is that..._

"Hello."

_It is. It's my old high school teacher!_

"I think you know why I'm here." His glasses reflected the dim light as the sun went down. "MHWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"AH!"

"Osaka, Osaka what's wrong?"

"Huh?"

"What happened?" asked Sakaki.

"I was having this wonderful dream," said Osaka, "At the end of which I saw my old high school teacher."

"So he scared you?" asked Sakaki, "Is that why you woke up?"

"I wish I hadn't," said Osaka, "I wanted him all throughout high school."

"What?"

"Oh come on," said Osaka, "Don't tell me that you don't have a similar experience from your high school days."

"Well I don't."

"But the best part was how you kept shooting Tomo in the face with a shotgun. It was just like this other dream I had. In that one I had this boyfriend from the South, and when Tomo started bad mouthing me he shot her with a shotgun, and then I woke up. So now, I wanna find myself a redneck boyfriend."

"You are not doing that," said Sakaki.

"Oh come on! We both hate her," said Osaka.

"That doesn't make it okay to want her dead," said Sakaki.

"Why not?"

"Because, because, well…. It's just not very nice."

"Well fuck," said Osaka, "I'm goin' back to sleep then."


	8. You Have A Girlfriend?

Knock Knock

"Hello?"

"Oh hey, I have a…giggle, package for you."

"Where is it?"

"In my pants!" The man continued to giggle as the door was slammed in his face.

Sakaki heard someone knock on the door again. _What is it now?_

"Hey," said the guy, "Is your…refrigerator running?"

SLICK SLICK

"Um…I gotta go," said the man, as Sakaki pointed an M1911 at his face. "I'll see you…never." Sakaki watched him run off, as fast as legs could carry him.

"Okay," said Sakaki, closing the door behind her, "Now if that happens a—"

Knock Knock

"Go away."

"_Why?_"

"Oh sorry," she said opening the door, "I thought you were someone else."

"Listen Sakaki," said Kaorin, "I need to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"I have a girlfriend." The anger in Kaorin's voice surprised Sakaki. "And she is sweet, and caring, and she has a good figure, and she smiles at my jokes, and she sends me funny texts!"

"Why are you screaming at me?" asked Sakaki.

"Sorry, I was just uh…nothing." And with that she left.

_Okay_, thought Sakaki, _what just happened?_

"SHE'S REAL!" screamed Kaorin.

"Okay."

"I'm serious."

"Uh," Sakaki stuttered, "I thought you'd be happier about something like this…but, you're not?"

"I'm very happy!"

"Then why do you sound so angry?" asked Sakaki.

"No reason," said Kaorin. And with that she left.

"Damn," said Osaka, "How long do you think it'll be before she realizes that you're not a lesbian?"

"I'd give her another week," said Sakaki, "But if she's trying to make someone jealous, she clearly hasn't done it before."

"Yeah, I know," said Tomo, "It's like she never understood how dating goes in high school. You need to be able to tell a revenge date, apart from an actual date."

"Indeed," said Sakaki, "But you've never been on either."

"Bitch."

"You say that like every other sentence," said Sakaki.

"Fuck you," said Tomo.

"Here's a picture of her!" screamed Kaorin.

The Azu Teens looked at a photo showing Kaorin smiling at the camera. Next to her was a hot, young woman with a light tan.

Tomo shrugged off the photograph. "We all know that this is Photoshopped," said Tomo, "This is nothing more than Magic Wand and Clone Stamp."

"You don't know what that," said Osaka. "I mean she probably used a couple filters on the image of herself, since the shading is almost the same as that of the other parts of the image. Not to mention the brightness, contrast, color, where the film has obvious issues…. God, this almost looks real."

"It is real! Do you guys seriously think that I can't get a date?"  
"Prove it," said Tomo.

"Fine," said Kaorin, "Come over to my place at seven. Then maybe you'll believe me!"

"You're on!" The two of them shook hands. Sakaki and Ayumu rolled their eyes. Two men on the sidewalk pointed at the house.

"It's those girls from _The Lusty Experiment_!"

"Dude, you're right!"

"Can you two make out for us? We'd really like to get a pick to show the guys!"

"Fuck you!" screamed Ayumu, "Go find a bathroom and fuck each other!"

"Aww man," said Tomo, "Really?"

"You promised we would never do that again!"

"But don't you remember how it felt?" asked Tomo, "I mean I'm not gay or anything, but I just felt so comfortable. I mean with my arms wrapped around your back and our faces pressed together, I just felt so safe. I wanted to stay there forever."

"That's it, I'm going."

"Wait, where are you going Ayumu?"

"Oh god," Osaka whispered to herself, "Is she gay for me?"

"Tell me."

"Hell no."

"Jesus you're a bitch," said Tomo.

"So can we get pictures with you?" asked the two guys on the sidewalk.

"Yep," said Tomo.

"Fuck off," said Osaka.

Sakaki shook her head as one of her roommates posed for pictures with the two frat boys. The other roommate came back into the house, sighing on her way in. Sakaki slumped into a chair, watching as Kaorin left with her hands balled into fists. The click as Sakaki swiped her thumb across her iPhone filled the silent room.

"_It hurts but I never show, this pain you never know. If only you could see just how lonely it become. How frostbit I become, my back's against the wall. When push come to shove, I just stand up and scream Fuck 'em all!_"

"Uh, why are you playing that?"

"No reason," said Kaorin.

"Well it'll be nice to meet your friends. Especially this Sakaki whom you mention quite a bit."

"It sure will be nice to have friends over," said Kaorin.

"You haven't invited me to your apartment before, it looks nice."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, it really does. So when are they going to be over?"

"Seven."

"But we haven't made anything yet!"

"I don't think that will matter too much, considering the last time they were in here two of them destroyed my septic tank."  
"Really Kaori?"

"Yeah," said Kaorin, "It was really weird."

"_I wanna kiss you. But if I do then I might miss you, babe. It's complicated, and stupid, got my ass squeezed by sexy Cupid._"

"Yep," said Sakaki, "She is definitely trying to make me jealous."

"Yeah no shit Sherlock," said Tomo, "What the hell was your first clue?"

"_Hold me, and love me. I just wanna touch you for a minute. Maybe three seconds is enough for my heart to quit._"

"Hi Sakaki," said Kaorin, "How are you?"

"Good, who's your friend?"

"Oh this is my girlfriend," said Kaorin, "Her name is Kagura."

"Hello," said the woman, "It's so nice to meet the three of you."

"Did she pay you to come here?"

"Heh, heh. That's a funny joke," said Kagura. "What's your name?"

"Tomo, and my name is Ayumu."

"Yes," said Tomo, "And we are…the Azu Teens! We make the homies stay home, where the girlies won't scream! But we mainly just stay at home."

"What's an Azu Teen?"

"Well Kagura, that's a question that you don't need to worry about," said Tomo, "But let me assure you that it really means something."

"No it doesn't," said Osaka, "We never do anything!"

"We were kicked out of Circuit City once," said Tomo, "Then they mysteriously became bankrupt. I blame it on poor customer service."

"You never bought anything from there," said Osaka.

"So? Just because I don't know about something, that doesn't mean that I can't have an opinion about it."

"And you must be Sakaki."

"That's me," said the woman, "It's nice to meet you."

"Did you really blow up Kaori's septic tank?"

"No," she sighed, "Those two did that." One of her hands pointed towards Tomo and Osaka. The two of them were still arguing about why Circuit City had disappeared.

"Why did we come here again?" whined Tomo.

"To prove that this wasn't Photoshopped!"

"I still think it was Photoshopped," said Tomo.

"But she's right here!" Kaorin's anger had reached a critical level. But Osaka broke the tension by saying that they should watch a movie.

"Which movie?" asked Tomo.

"An action movie!" said Osaka.

"I have just the one," said Kaorin, "And it is the best movie ever."

"_So that's your big adventure? You sat on this island and drank your brains out with rum? That's seriously you're greatest tale?_"

"_Of course! How else was I supposed to get into their fraternity?_"

"_Jesus Christ, Jack Sparrow. How fucking stupid are you?_"

"_STFU. At least I found us a way to keep hydrated. Can you claim as much, you stuck up hoe that wants William to..._"

"This is the weirdest movie I've ever seen," said Tomo, "And I had to watch _A Beautiful Mind_."

"This isn't the best movie ever," said Kagura, "The best movie ever was, and still is, District 9."

"That movie was stupid," said Osaka.

"How? They got you to feel sorry for aliens, from space! And those aliens looked like fricking monsters that were friends with the boogeyman!"

"I'm kinda neutral," said Sakaki, "That was a weird movie."

"Ha, ha," Tomo pointed at Osaka, "You've been overruled."

"You said that the best Pokémon movie was _Pok__émon 2000_," said Osaka, "That movie was terrible."

"You lie!" screamed Tomo, "That movie was way better than _Jirachi Wishmaker_!"

"Anything was better than _Jirachi Wishmaker_," said Sakaki, "Because the best Pokémon movie was totally _The Rise of Darkrai_."

"Pokémon?" Kaorin said to herself, "You've gotta be kidding me."

"That sucked worse than May!"

"You lie!" said Osaka, "May was the best!"

"No," said Kaorin, "Misty is the best!"

"Yeah!" said Kagura, "Misty is the best! She was in way more episodes than May!"

"No," said Tomo, "Dawn was the best! Misty and May were like shit compared to Dawn!"

Sakaki shook her head as the four of them continued to argue.

"_That's interesting_."

"_You fucking cheated!_"

"_How? Because I used my brain? If you were a better fighter you wouldn't be having this problem._"

"_You still cheated! Why did you take the cursed item that makes you immortal?_"

"_Uh, maybe so you couldn't kill me dipshit? I'm friggin' Jack Sparrow bitch!_"

"How much longer is this retarded movie?" asked Tomo.

"Shut up," said Sakaki, "This movie is much better than the ones you bring home from Blockbuster."

"Those movies were awesome!"

"_Epic Movie_, you think that's awesome?"

"Fuck you Sakaki."

_Sounds good to me_, thought Kaorin, _stupid girlfriend isn't making Sakaki jealous. Why? Why isn't this working?_

"_He didn't waste it_." William dropped the blood soaked coins. The curse of the gold was born from the senseless bloodshed of the conquistadors, and only blood could t it. Barbossa looked down at his chest. A relentless torrent of blood poured from the hole. The white shirt quickly turned a dark red. Barbossa looked up, a regret for his lifetime of treachery not felt.

"_Aww fu—ck!_" And with that the douche died.

"_Pwned! I so pwned you! You are so pwned!_"

"_Jesus Christ, Jack. Can't you grow up?_"

"_Oh shut up, I get killed in the next movie because of a giant squid-y monster! Can't I have this one moment to have fun?_"

"_No, because it's your fucking fault that we have to fight fucking Davy Jones in the next fucking movie! How do you always create problems for us?_"

"_It's a gift_."

"Dear god," said Tomo, "This is almost as bad as the voice acting for Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy."

"What are those?" asked Osaka.

"Wouldn't you like to know," said Tomo.

"Yeah what are they?"

"Fuck off." Tomo heard a creak to her left. Kaorin walked away from them. _This is my chance_, thought Tomo. The obnoxious woman got up from the coach. She had to ask her friend a question.

"Hey Kaorin?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you know if you're gay?"


	9. Tomo's Confusion?

"What? Tomo do you think that I know everything about being a lesbian or something? I'm not an expert in psychology. But there is one way to know," Kaorin said with a smile. She then pressed her lips against Tomo's. The "wildcat" let out a muffled gasp. Then she let out a pleased moan. Kaorin brought her lips away slowly. "So what did you think?"

"I think you suck at kissing," the "wildcat" bluntly stated, "but maybe we could do it again. What the Hell was up with that anyways? Don't you have a girlfriend?"

"I was trying to help you find out whether or not you're a lesbian," said Kaorin, "plus you're kinda cute."

"And cheating on your girlfriend helps me determine my sexuality how? Anyways she's hot, I should have asked her."

"Kagura wouldn't cheat on me!"

"Why wouldn't she? You're just using her to try and make Sakaki jealous," said Tomo, "now that I'm a hardcore lesbian, I think I shoul change my name. I'm thinking of becoming, Sexy Wildcat Sex Kitten, what do you think?"

"As your friend," Kaorin facepalmed, "I think that's a terrible decision. What makes you think I'm trying to make Sakaki jealous anyways?"

"I'm a crime fighting detective," said Tomo, "not a brain dead frat boy. I have the power to understand the obvious in seconds, it's almost a universal trait. Would you mind if I made out with Kagura? She's pretty hot."

"Yes I would mind! She's my girlfriend!"

"But you're just using her as a means to make Sakaki, no, _try_ to make Sakaki jealous. And that's never going to work," said Tomo.

"Why do you say that?" asked Kaorin, "And I'm not just using Kagura, I really do like her you know."

"Oh really? You're not very convincing when all you do is talk to Sakaki all the time and ignore Kagura. Why did she want to date you anyways?"

"We work at the same office place together," said Kaorin, "she smiled at me during a coffee break and that same day we went to lunch, then dinner, then a movie."

"What did you do after that?"

"I went home."

"You didn't sleep with her?" screamed Tomo.

"Have you ever been in a relationship before, Tomo?" Kaorin screamed even louder than Tomo had. "You don't just have sex on the first date! What on Earth made you think that was the norm?"

"I tried to supplement my virginity with porno," said Tomo, "and I guess Wikipedia lied to me. Plus a ton of forums and bloggers."

"Okay," said Kaorin with a very confused voice, "what makes you say that Sakaki isn't getting jealous of me and Kagura anyways? I'm sure she's totally envious of Kagura being with me!"

"She's not a lesbian," Kaorin fell to the ground. "Maybe that was too much of a shock, um... Kagura, get over here!"

"What is it Tomo?"

"Kaorin fainted. Wanna make out?"

"Oh my God, we need to call 911 right?"

"Uh, why don't we use Google?"

"Tomo this is serious!" said Kagura having not heard most of what Tomo had told her. "She could be in serious trouble!" Kagura kneeled before she bent down to be even closer to Kaorin. "Kaori!" she cried, "what am I supposed to do?" Her loud sobs attracted the attention of the remaining Azu Teens.

"What's Kaorin doing on the floor?" asked Osaka.

"She fainted!" Kagura's tears streaming down her face.

"Did she hit her head on anything?" asked Osaka.

"I don't know," Kagura sobbed, "Tomo?"

"Only the floor, but she's fainted before remember? All those other times she was fine. She just needed a little bit to wake up and then she was just fine, remember?"

"I don't think it's good for her to be fainting all the time," said Sakaki, "doesn't that cause brain damage or something? We probably should call 911, just to be safe."

"This has happened to Kaori before?" asked Kagura.

"Yep."

"Wait, you're not gonna give some hour long story about why this occurs?"

"Nope," said Sakaki, "no one ever listens to those." Sakaki then began to dial that all important number. Only to find out that she didn't have any reception. "Kagura, where's the landline?"

"I think it's by the front door, I'll go get it!" The Azu Teens watched her run off.

"Man," said Tomo, "she's pretty hot isn't she?" Osaka gave her a weird, confused grimace. "Don't worry Ayumu, you're still special to me!"

"Will you shut the fuck up?" asked Osaka.

"Oh go to Hell."

After the paramedics arrived and Kaorin was found to be perfectly fine the Azu Teens left. They said good bye to an upset Kaorin and a tear stained Kagura. As Sakaki walked out of the apartment she saw Kagura embrace Kaorin with a tight hug, hearing her sobbing. Sakaki was glad that her friend had found such a caring young girlfriend. _Even if she is only trying to make me jealous. Poor Kaorin, or Kagura, it'll never work. _


	10. A Pizza Announcement

"Hey Osaka."

"Hello, oh what is that?" asked the woman, "Is that pizza?"

"Yep," said Tomo as she held up the box before putting it back on the table. "I know it's your favorite."

"What's the occasion?" asked Ayumu as she pulled out a slice of cheesy goodness. "Arf jut moobing?" she asked, her mouth filled with pizza.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," said Tomo, "it's beneath you. Well I know you like pizza and I have to talk with you about something." She breathed in. "Why don't you like me Ayumu?" Osaka's happy chewing ceased in a horrified gulp. "I mean I'll admit that I haven't always been interested in you. But after the time we got out of being in the Marines, ironically close to the time when Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealled, I guess I just," she paused, "I don't know. I mean—I don't know why I like you! But I do, I've never, ever, been like this before. I guess it's kinda crazy huh?"

"First of all Tomo, I'm not a lesbian," Osaka told her, "and even if I was you're a bitch and I simply would never want to be with you."

The first words that came into Tomo's head weren't shouted out like usual. She managed to bite her tongue down, before it made the situation any worse. "But, I'm trying to change."

"For me? It almost makes me feel bad for not being a lesbian, if I believed you."

"Come on, why is trying to repair bridges so hard? I tried not to think of only myself by getting a pizza that you like." Tomo pointed at the slice in Osaka's hands. "Isn't that something?"

"I'll admit it's a change for you," said Osaka as she tried her best to be polite. "However it isn't really something that I'd call major." She bit off another piece. "But it is tasty."

"I spent a ton on this pizza, didn't you notice that it wasn't from Domino's? I made sure that it was from somewhere that you like. And your favorite pizza is from that place downtown." She blushed.

"I guess you did. But unfortunately for you, I'm not a lesbian. Why don't you just wait for Kagura to get dumped by Kaorin? At least then you'll have a shot," said Osaka, "I mean if you're gonna fall 'in love' with someone at least pick someone who might be interested in you."

"Why do you hate me?"

"Prior history dictates that," said Osaka, "we ain't exactly chummy."

"But we live together!"

"'Cause I can't afford to move out," said Osaka, "besides I lock my door at night so you won't try to sneak into my room." She shuddered. Imagining what Tomo might want to do with her cute, young, nubile body.

"I respect your privacy more than that!" Tomo felt hurt.

"Sorry I didn't know."

"Hey everyone! I have an announcement to make!"

"Sakaki, do you mind? I'm talking to Ayumu about something important right now!"

"Huh?"

Sakaki had a puzzled look burned into her features. The sunlight kissed Sakaki's side giving her body's curves a slight amplification of size. As Tomo sat on the couch she couldn't help but be drawn to her tall friend's face and figure. The former looked cute in its physical indication of confusion, with the mouth slightly scrunched to one side and the eyes slightly wide, the eyebrows open arcs of grace. Tomo felt a bit of color form on her face as she looked at the woman.

Then she thought of something she hadn't thought of before. "Sakaki, you're really sexy." Sakaki's face looked even more confused. "Wanna make out?"

"No thank you," said Sakaki, "I'd rather not. Now," her voice took own a tone that made Tomo shiver, "Let me tell you about this life changing experience I've had for the past four months."

"How long is this story?" asked Tomo.

"You might wanna grab a seat." Sakaki waited for Tomo to start munching on a slice of pizza. "And now, the story.

"Four months ago I found myself walking around the city. Then, as I waited for my smoothie to arrive at a local coffee shop, I met someone. I noticed him out of the corner of my eye and I realized one very important thing about him. He was very handsome. So I pulled a little hand mirror out of my purse, checked my hair, brushed back an annoying loose strand, and walked over to him. When I greeted him he was polite. He shook my hand, offered to pay for my drink and gave me a wonderful smile!"

Sakaki brought her hands to her chest with a content sigh. Then she went on. "After I told him he didn't have to pay for my drink he asked me a little bit about myself. I was so nervous but I don't think it showed too much. We just talked for about an hour and each second made my heart dance and leap! Then my smoothie appeared and I sipped at it just a little, absentmindedly swallowing that delicious fruity beverage. He got a phone call and said he would have to go." Her features gained a slight panic but then a deep breath banished the fear and let her go on.

"So before he left I asked him for his number—and he gave it to me!" Sakaki's voice was a happy glee filled sparrow drifting along thermals which rose off of the warm ground below her. "Then I called him up, on Saturday as he suggested. We went on a quiet little date, just dinner and a goodbye." Osaka was leaning in towards Sakaki. Tomo was also curious. She had never heard Sakaki sound this happy before. "And we've been together since that chilly February morn. Every moment is so wonderful around him. And the time he kissed me..." Her voice faded down into an indecipherable murmur as her cheeks became the petals of a rose, coated in the bright, soft dew of a kind April morning; the dew was born from the recent end of the rain and sparkled thanks to the light summoned by a sun who had gone in to replace the rain.

"And," Sakaki's eyes brighter than the glare from outside which leapt off of the mirror, almost dim in comparison. "He asked me to come live with him!"

"What?"

Osaka's and Tomo's mouthes had nearly broken on the floor.

"And I said yes!"

"B-but what about the Azu Teens?" asked Tomo, "what about our Force, our Force for stopping crime and teenage depression?"

"To be honest; I don't care. He's much more interesting than our 'Azu Teen Humor Force' is. What kind of name is that anyways?"

Tomo looked as if her friend had just stabbed her in the heart. "You...traitor."

A knock at the door caught their attention.

"Hey Tomo."

"Kagura?"

"Listen, I got evicted. Is it cool if I crash here for a little while?"

Tomo suddenly turned from crying face to super happy face. "YES! Now we're back up to full strength!"

"What?" asked a confused Kagura as Tomo fist pumped repeatedly.

"You're now an honorary member of the team, congratulations!"

"Whoa cool! But what about Sakaki? Isn't it just a team of three?"

"Sakaki's let the _man_ get his claws in her," said Tomo, "hang out with us and our girl power!"

"What Tomo's trying to say is that my boyfriend asked me to live with him," said Sakaki as she pulled a suitcase out into the living room. "I'll send you guys status updates on FaceBook, okay?"

"That's so great that you found someone special!" said Kagura.

"So long _traitor_."

"I'll miss you too Tomo."

"_Why do you have to go?_" Tomo sobbed as she wrapped her arms around Sakaki's waist. "_What if I starve to death?_"

"You'll be fine." Sakaki hugged her shorter friend. She then whispered, "I hope you can find a way to connect with Osaka. I really care about you, Tomo."

"Are you sure you're not a lesbian?"

"Don't ruin the moment."

"Sorry."

Everyone waved goodbye as they saw a Benz roll up to the curb. Sakaki placed her suitcase into the trunk and blew them a kiss goodbye.

"Did you see that?" asked Tomo, "she's totally a lesbian!"

"I don't think you can count that as evidence," said Kagura as the car pulled away. "So now I'm an Azu Teen?"

"Actually that's not our name anymore."

"Really? Then what is it?"

"You'll just have to wait and see!" 


End file.
